High my name is John Q. Public, and this is my wife Jane. “Hi everyone!” We are here to tell you about our extended family. Although we don’t have any children, we do have some pretty crazy relatives. Our family picnics and dinners can be interesting. It has been years since our family events have been quiet. In fact just the other day cousin Mitch, a feisty old guy, yelled at my wife’s crazy aunt, Comrade Warren, and told her to sit down and be quiet. Oh my, you could hear a pin drop during our family get together. I think Mitch just got tired of Comrade Warren talking incessantly and he just lost it. This is just one example of my crazy family.
Jane and I just moved after eight years in California. We had a good time, but boy those Californian’s are pretty crazy. They really do want everything for “free,” we always tried to tell them nothing is free, but they never quite got it. They are Californians. So Jane and I worked very hard to give our family as many free things as we could. But what that did was drive up our debt. Now we owe almost as much as we make each year. I hope now that we’ve moved to Texas that maybe we can stop spending so much on our relatives.
In California we lived with our likable Uncle Obama. He really wanted to help our family, and he did pretty well, but many people in our family didn’t think it was fair to give all the free things away. Some of our family members thought that everything needed to be earned.
I have to admit it was my side of the family that got upset. My cousins Rubio, Jeb, Paul, and Ted all complained a lot. I just tried to ignore them, but the family began to listen, and as a result, we all decided to move to Texas. This upset my wife’s side of the family especially her crazy uncle, Comrade Sanders, and her nutty aunt, remember I already mentioned her Comrade Warren.
However, my side of the family was happy. In fact, my crazy uncle – Herr Trump (the one with the orange hair) – loved the fact that we were moving to his side of the nation. It was a little surprising, my other aunt Hillary thought we were moving to her neck of the woods, Colorado, but we figured, like our crazy cousin Jeff from Alabama said, “they smoke pot there so we don’t want to associate with them.” Seem pretty crazy?
Just wait, it gets weirder. It turns out that my wife, Jane, has several cousins that like to tell people about our family. Charlie, Corrine, and Nancy (CNN) love to tell stories about our family. They really like their aunt and uncle Comrade Warren and Comrade Sanders, but they hate uncle Herr Trump. So when they tell the stories, events that occur at our family parties, they always spin it to make Comrade Sanders and Comrade Warren’s side of the family look good. However, my cousins, Frank, Olivia, and Ximena (FOX) also like to tell stories about our family events. But, they will spin the stories to make Herr Trump look good. They really like that side of the family.
Sometimes each of these story-tellers relay information about events that Jane and I were at and we don’t even recognize the story. We’ll say to each other, weren’t we there? CNN and FOX, rather than write their names I ‘ll just use the acronym associated with their names, are amazing at how they can spin things. Sometimes Jane and I will call friends in England just to find out what really happened. Bob, Bill, and Camelia (BBC) sometimes has a better vantage point on what happens during our family meetings than our cousins.
Our family has been pretty dysfunctional over the years. It appears that Comrade Sanders and Comrade Warren, my wife’s aunts are trying force our family to join INGSOC. They don’t seem to like how Jane and I have been making decisions. They think if they, and Comrade Schumer could take over the family, and make us a part of INGSOC, we will be better off and everyone would be more equal. However, when I look at them they remind me of the saying from the book Animal Farm, “some people are just more equal than others.”
However, my side of the family are just as bad. Remember my Uncle? Herr Trump? He is trying to get the family to dress in brown-shirts and goose-step. I am not too sure why he is trying to do that, but it worries me a bit. I know we just moved to his neighborhood, but my gosh he has been upsetting the whole family trying to change things. Moving from California to Texas has been hard on all of us.
It really does seem that our crazy uncles are tearing our family apart. But let me tell you this. We have this distant relative named Vladimir. The whole family thinks he is a thug. Although Herr Trump seems to like Vladimir, most of our family does not. And if Vladimir wants to pick a fight, he will see that even crazy family members will join together and fight.
I haven’t told you about the rest of the crazies in the family. There is cousin Betsy who really likes grizzly bears, and cousin Kellyanne, who really likes hitting the sauce. Oh, and my favorite cousin Spicer. He really likes to talk a lot about our family, he is so much fun to watch.
Oh, and let’s not forget crazy Nancy who thinks George Bush is still president. Oh, and good old Merkley from Berkley. He is so much fun at our parties. He is a Comrade Sanders wannabe who makes the whole family laugh. Oh, and I can’t resist mentioning cousin Patty. She is a mother who likes to walk around a lot in her tennis shoes.
Then there are the really crazy cousins. They all said that if we moved to Texas they would move to Canada instead. There was cousin Jon, Chelsea, Neve, Barry, Lena, Keegan, Choe, Al, Whoopie, Natasha, Eddie, Spike, Amber, Samuel, Cher, George, Barbara, Raven-Symone, Omari, Miley, Ruth, Amy, and Katie. Yet, all of them moved to Texas. They would say crazy things like #notmyTexas.
As crazy as this family sounds it is my family. I do love my family, and regardless of where we live Jane and I love our family. They are a crazy bunch, but they are our bunch and I wouldn’t trade them for anyone, and I would not live anywhere else.
And that is my thought for the day.